Your Side of the Bed
by Im Always Sorry in the Morning
Summary: "This whole situation, it's the epitome of Kate, who she is, who she always has been. It's her way of keeping one foot out the door should something go wrong; and somewhere along the way something went terribly wrong." Watershed (5x24) one-shot - the aftermath of the fight from both of our favorite character's points of view.


AN: You all probably thought I fell off the face of the planet, but I didn't! So I started this story the day after the finale and a lot of things happened during the summer and I just didn't have the time or mind to write. I really hope you all enjoy it!

Disclaimer: Don't own because if I did that proposal would have been amazing!

**Just as an FYI ~ normal font = Kate's thoughts/words and italics = Castle's thoughts/words**

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Your Side of the Bed

I stand alone, solemn, lost deep within my own graveyard of ships. I'm full of them…ships that have been lost at sea for years, ships that were given no hope, ships that took one too many journeys across battling waters. They are lost, isolated in this sea of inferno. I lie awake, battling my inner demons trying to salvage just one more ship. The casualties of past wars quickly anchor themselves inside of me, plaguing my soul, leaving behind remnants of their haunting pasts. I toss and turn, as once again the ships mercilessly ascend to the top, trying to prove that they can and will most likely beat me down. And for just one second I think to myself, 'what if I let them win this battle, just this once.' So I stop the suppressions, this one time I let the ships prevail and only seconds pass until I literally feel the water filling my lungs. I close my eyes and I feel myself dwindling further and further, as the ships leisurely occupy my body. I open my eyes to find myself in a sea of darkness knowing that this is pretty damn close to being at rock bottom. Apparently it doesn't get any worse than this…but looking around I realize it does as the memories, both past and present, rear their ugly heads. There is no one here to rescue me, nobody to breathe life back into me. I'm still lost beneath the deep mass of ships; I'm still the captain of all these vessels. I'm still trapped in the unfathomable waters of the unknown. Nothing's changed. I'm still alone, in my apartment alone, lying in my bed alone wondering if I have become the orator of my foreshadowed life. Is this what my life is destined to be? Lonely and full of regret?

Turning my head to the right, I eye his nightstand. A picture of us from the night of his surprise party sits in an alluring black crystal frame. I'll never be able to thank Lanie enough for captivating such a precious, private moment between the two of us. Our foreheads touch, loving smiles grace our faces, my eyes look up at his and his down at mine; it's this thing we always do after we kiss, an extension of our expression of our love for one another. It's something we do when we aren't ready to give up that connection yet, that sacred, sensual connection that only the two of us can feel. It's a moment of unity we treasure, or a moment we did.

Next to the photograph stands a Swarovski clock that he gave me last week for our one year anniversary. Etched in the back is a simple message, one that carries all the meaning in the world for us, _Always_. A gift and a message meant to be everlasting, '_Endless time for a love that will always exist_.' Now I stare at it realizing that time runs out on everything and everyone. And I get this overwhelmingly excruciating anguish because I just, I never expected our exquisite clock to stop ticking this soon, if ever.

The copy of Casino Royale he received after the horrific Paris expedition lies about half read through for the third time on the nightstand among his things, among our things. The golden novel, which casts a glimmer of the bluish moonlight creeping through the blinds, is his genesis, his bible, a book representing so many beginnings; it's his first muse, the reason he became a writer, and it holds an enormous amount of meaning, far beyond anyone's understanding. It's the embodiment of a clandestine relationship between father and son that began so many years ago. The first of many books that have ignited his personal relationships. His books have a tendency to portray said relationships no matter the characteristic, good or bad, fiery or subdued, dynamic or lifeless. I guess you could say that Nikki Heat represented intrigue, fascination and maybe even a little bit of mockery. The question is this, if his books are so symbolic of our relationship, what will the next installment entail? What will the dedication say, _"To the unappreciative, selfish, heartbreaking KB – this is everything we would and could have had."?_

I turn my head to face the ceiling, 'Mom…I know you're listening…I think I really did it this time, I messed up, and…I don't know if there's any turning back. I never meant for it to be like this, for it to, to blow up like it did. I regressed Mom. I went back to the person I used to be, the closed-off, walled-up person I worked so hard not to be. And it was like within a matter of minutes she was back, floating her way from the depths of my soul to the surface. I worked so hard to get me to be the person I became, the person I used to be so many years ago, carefree, loving, and open to those who loved me. And now that damaged individual has prodded her way back into my life, and possibly ruined the things I cherish most, my love and life with Rick. It all happened so fast, the job offer, the interview…our fight. God I never wanted it to be like this. I hurt him Mom, not like in the past, this was a whole new level. Now that we're together he expects more of me, as he should, and to be honest I expect more of myself…I don't know what the hell happened. I lost sight of us, of who we are, who we've grown to become, all that we could have been. I just wanted to see what it was like, but all the praise and acknowledgement for all the cases that I've closed, it entrapped me in this aqueous vortex. I don't know what I want Mom…the job, all the opportunities I would receive, the challenges I would face, but I would be losing so much at the same time; Rick's love and pure joy, the possibility of forever, of always…all that would be gone, if it's not already. No more waking up beside the man of my dreams, no more coffee with little foam hearts, no more partner, no one to save me from myself, how do I just walk away from all of that? I love him so much, it scares me to think of a life, a future without him. He makes me so happy Mom, possibly the happiest I've ever been, he's helped me through so much, has always been by my side throughout the roughest cases, and he's loved me for so long, despite the way I've treated him, his love is unwavering. I don't deserve him, he's entitled to so much more, someone who makes him happy, who doesn't continuously drag him down, someone who doesn't drown him with her sorrows. I wish you were here Mom, I could really use your guidance right now. You've always been really good at signs, at pointing me in the right direction. So I'll take anything you've got, because I honestly am at a loss. I want this job Mom, god it would be amazing, but if it means walking away from what's right in front of me, the love and the happiness I found, I don't know if I can bring myself to leave. I know you'll be watching over me and I know deep in my heart that you will help me. But watch over Rick too, I know he's hurting right now and he could probably use a push in the right direction as well, even if it means walking away from me, from us. I want what's best for him Mom, I would give anything for him to be happy, and if that means giving up my happiness, then so be it. Thank you for always listening and watching out over us, I love you Mom.'

For the first time tonight I feel a sudden sense of contentment wash over me and I know in the depth of my heart that only one individual has ever been able to make me feel at such peace. I swear my heart stops when I open my eyes and see him leaning against the doorframe. No words need to be spoken, his eyes say it all, I know he is still upset, still angry, still disappointed in me, yet here he stands, in front of me, the one person who has repeatedly broken his heart. And at that moment my shattered heart begins to beat again because he came back, he stayed true to his word, a promise that we would no longer run from one another, no matter how tough things got.

My eyes follow him over to the chair by the window and watch him strip down to his boxers and undershirt. He's careful not to touch me as he climbs in to bed and God how that breaks my heart. I know I should be elated that he's here, that he came back, and right now that means a lot to me, it does, but I can't help but wonder when it was that we became this tug boat being propelled across stormy waters, just hoping and praying to survive to the next day.

How is it that two people who have been so close for so many years can just dissipate from one another? Were we just kidding ourselves? Is it like what Sophia told me last year, that once we slept together there would be nothing left? Is this all we're left with after a year of being together; the memories we made, the moments we had, the love we shared? I have regrets of things that have happened in the past between us, but I want the option to not hold any regrets from this point on. But what if he doesn't want that? What if he regrets it all? What if he regrets saying _'Always_?'

* * *

_The only movement in the room comes from the candle that sits afire on her nightstand. The flame casting its glowing amber colors along the walls, performing a ceremonial dance. My heart clenched in my chest when I walked through the bedroom door and saw that candle burning, she held hope that I would come back or that candle was going to perish awaiting my return. It's something she started nearly a year ago, lighting a candle when she got into bed without me, she had said that it was, _"like a lighthouse…guiding you to the place you are supposed to be at night." _And ever since that night she lights a candle when she knows I'll be up late writing, or late getting over to her place, but there is always a flame atop that candle when I walk through the door, guiding me to her, the place where I am supposed to be at night, the place I should be for the rest of my life. _

_I know without looking that one of my endeavored love letters lies folded on top of her nightstand. I've written so many to her this past year, little post-its here and there around her apartment or the loft, notes left in her car or desk at the precinct. But I've never sat down and actually written her a full letter, Nikki Heat books aside. There have been so many times I've wanted to do so, or have been close to doing so, yet every time I find myself unable to come up with the words. I have yet to figure out how to convey to this woman lying next to me how much I truly love her, and I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to, because there are so few words that accurately describe the extraordinary individual that she is and the depth my love goes for her. _

_This whole situation, it's the epitome of Kate, who she is, who she always has been. It's her way of keeping one foot out the door should something go wrong; and somewhere along the way something went terribly wrong. She has spent most of her life in mediocre relationships with these ignoramus men. I know, I'm one to talk about futile and swaggering relationships. We have both had our share of nowhere relationships with people we don't hold true feelings for. The day she said, _"Rick, I love you" _my world changed, my view of what a truly committed, unwavering partnership is began to change completely. Coming from her those words are a force of nature, she puts everything she has, her entire being, behind them. I can't help but wonder if she holds certain regrets about her life much like I do mine. Does she regret not telling me about the job offer, the interview? What about our relationship? Does she regret showing up on my door step last year? Does she wish that the passion that has flourished between us ever since that night had never ignited? I know that some part of her does love me, you can see it in her eyes, through her actions. Honestly I believe that no one has ever truly loved me the way she does, even if it is in her own little way. But what if that's not enough for her? What if the love we've shared and the precious memories we've created just don't cut it for her the way they do for me? I want her to be happy, genuinely happy. And if that means walking away and giving her space I will agonizingly do so. But if she shows even the slightest sign of wanting always, of forever being by my side, I will follow her to the ends of the earth. She deserves to be happy, to have all her dreams, whatever they may be, come true, and I will do anything in my power to see that that happens. _

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_You can hear a pin drop it's so eerily quiet in here. The silence calms me, which is ironic I can barely make out the sounds of her uneven breaths, but I usually find peace and solitude in her even breaths. Something I thank God for every night, because the sight of her not breathing and dying in my arms is still quite vivid. I just want to roll over and gather her in my arms, kiss her good night, forget this whole argument ever happened, and just fall asleep to the sole sound of her heartbeat. _

I blow out the candle as he lies down, only to be met with his back when the flame subsides. This isn't us, we don't go to bed without speaking to one another, no matter how bad things are. His idea, _"Say it now because you never know what tomorrow might or might not bring."_ As we always say there are no guarantees. No words are spoken tonight, no physical contact exchanged, as feelings of desolation begin to set in. My body is used to being curled into his side, molded to his body. But here I lie, isolated from the man I love; so close yet so far away.

I miss it all, the banter, the romance, the pure joy that blossomed between us. I miss us, as partners, as friends, but mostly as a couple. Years ago I was fine with having a lonely life. I had come to except it. Everyone that was important in my life had one way or another left, some willingly, some not. So I became the job, it's the reason I am the type of cop I am today. My life revolved around bringing justice to the victims of heinous crimes and their families. And then he implanted himself in my life one day, clinging to me like I was his lifeline that would help him get through the world of publication. Somewhere along the way he managed to chisel away at the wall that I had spent so many years building and then reinforcing. A year ago I showed up at his door and the moment that door closed the feeling of loneliness was gone, until about three weeks ago when it slowly started to slither its way back. I wonder if he feels it as well, the way we've begun to live life in a time loop, we wake up, go to the precinct, come home and go to bed, and wake up to do the same thing all over again the next day. We work side by side, sleep side by side, yet at times I've never felt so alone. I crave for that connection that we've held as friends for so many years, as lovers this past year, it's something I'm beginning to realize will never be able to be replaced.

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_I don't want to be left with only the memories of everything we've had. It's not enough, it will never be enough. The idea of waking up with only the mirage of her exquisite face lying next to me, it haunts me. I can't live my life knowing what we had will never again exist. I want so much more for us. I want new memories, memories that will last a lifetime. I want to fall asleep and wake up every day with her by my side, not in my bed or her bed, but our bed. I envision her stunning smile when I ask her for always, walking down the aisle in her elegantly classy style with her father, holding our baby girl who has her big sister's nose and her mother's mesmerizing eyes, and so, so much more. Our love doesn't end here, we both deserve more, we deserve a love that will forever and always last a lifetime. _

If he could, would he go back? Would he go back to that night and tell me what he thought of us, of our future? Would he tell me that he wants to spend the rest of his life making me smile with a cup of coffee every morning? That he wants to marry me, start a family with me, babysit our grandchildren with me? Does he see the same things I do? If I could go back to that night one week ago I would do it all so differently. I would tell him everything, I would put us ahead of me, see what he thought of this possible life changing situation. I would ask him to go to DC with me for the interview, because I've never felt so much support and encouragement from one person before. Maybe if we had done these things, tonight would have been completely different. He wouldn't have walked out, he would have sneaked up behind me in the kitchen like he always does, trapping me between his body and the counter. Maybe we would be lying here after a long passionate night planning the rest of our life together. I've held back long enough, I don't want to wake up one morning and regret that I didn't try everything I could to salvage our relationship.

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I roll onto my side to once again be met with the brick wall that is my partner's back. A wall that I have had to take apart brick by brick, yet loving every new thing I reveal about him. I resist the urge to reach out and run my hand through his hair. I want him to hold me and press his lips to mine as I apologize over and over for all of the hell and heartbreak I have caused. I would give anything to be able to spend the rest of my life making my idiotic mistakes up to him.

"Castle, are you still awake?" I whisper.

He lies motionless, even breaths causing the sheets to rise at a near steady pace.

"I love you Rick, so much." All attempt to disguise my emotions failed.

I place my hand on the bed between us, as if closer proximity will ease my restless mind and heart. I close my eyes longing for my inner battles to calm themselves.

"_I love you too Kate."_

I slowly open my eyes and am shocked when I find myself staring into a glorious sea of blue. A sea flooded with love, passion, longing, but most of all forgiveness.

A small smile graces my lips as he places his hand in mine, intertwining our fingers together. He closes his eyes and I catch myself watching him, something that has become his ominous habit. I bring my other hand up to lightly brush the hair off of his face and my breath hitches as he kisses the palm of my hand. I'm overwhelmed as I realize how much I have truly missed us and the lengths I would and will go to keep this man in my life. He's it; there has never been anyone that could single-handedly demolish the vessels that have continuously pulled me down, all the while dismantling my doubts one by one. I send a silent prayer up to God and my mother for bringing this amazing man into my life. Without him I don't know who, where, or what I would have been during these last five years. And with him, who knows what the future holds, all I know is that for once in my life I cannot wait to dive in.

"_Say it now because you never know what tomorrow might or might not bring."_

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_AN: Thoughts? This was inspired by Little Big Town's song Your Side of the Bed, if you haven't heard it I suggest you go listen it's a truly amazing song! I'm afraid this might be it for a while, I'm off to med school on Monday, but I might write in my spare time ;) love to you all xo ~ K_


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